A few random jokes

[daveshrop]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert,

wandering aimlessly and close to death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......


"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?

Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.


There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture ..

there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...

every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!

Eet EES a bacon tree!"

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?;

We ees in the Desert don't forget."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ...Luis races toward the tree! .

He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks.

It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree."


"Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?

"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...




Ees..........









Ees...











Ees.........









Ees....















... Eees a Ham Bush!

[daveshrop]

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.

The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of Fosters orders a Fosters, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

[statm1]

Good one..

[daveshrop]

Hey,cool...glad you like that one,especially being as it's a British beer in the 'punch line'.

[daveshrop]

The Confessional...

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, Paddy?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Paddy, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Mary Walsh?'

'I cannot say.'


'Was it Teresa Brown?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Margaret Doyle?'


'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Anne O' Neil?'

'My lips are sealed.'


'Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Paddy, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Paddy walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'4 Months holiday and five tidy leads.Time to fill me boots,matey!'

[Noyb]

Hmm, I think I'll revive an old thread.

Redneck Computer Terms

Log on: Makin' the wood stove hotter.
Log Off: Don't add no wood.
Monitor: Keepin' an eye on the wood stove.
Download: Gettin' the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz; When yer not careful down loadin'.
Floppy Disk: Whatcha' git from a-pilin' too much firewood.
Ram: The hydraulic thingy that splits the firewood.
Hard Drive: Gettin' home in the winter season.
Prompt: What you wish the mail was in the winter.
Windows: What to shut when it's below 15 below.
Screen: Whatcha' need for the black fly season.
Byte: Yup! That's what the flies do.
Chip: What to munch on.
Micro Chip: What's left in the bottom of the bag.
Infrared: Where the left-overs go when Fred's around.
Modem: Whatcha' did to the hay field.
Dot Matrix: Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top: Where the young un's feel comfy.
Keyboard: Where ya hang yer keys.
Software: Them plastic eatin' utensils.
Mouse: What eats the horses grain. (also, a satifin' meal for the cat)
Main Frame: Holds up the barn roof.
Port: Some fancy wine.
Enter: C'mon in!
Random Access Memory: Ya can't remember whatch' paid for that new rifle when yer wife asks.

[darth]

LOL. Noyb, have you been visiting www.brainyquote.com?

[Noyb]

No, I haven't. I'll have to check that out. I got that last joke from http://www.cleanjoke.com/.

[darth]

Thanks for publishing that link. Got quite a few laughs reading it.

[darth]

Q: What do you get from an alaskan cow?

A: Ice Cream

[statm1]

Good one darth!

[darth]

Thanks. I wish I could say it was a original.

[darth]

Tech Support: Do you have any windows open now?

Customer: Are you crazy, its twenty below outside.

[daveshrop]

Two surgeons having a drink...

One surgeon says to the other, "What do you specialise in?"
The other surgeon says, "Appendixes, its quite simple a little snip here, a little snip there and Bob's your Uncle,done,what do you specialise in?"

The other surgeon says, "Sex changes, its not quite the same but its still simple, a
little snip here, a little snip there and Bob's your Auntie".

[addonsfan]

Q: What do you get from an alaskan cow?

A: Ice Cream

Q's: What do you call a cow with no legs? With two legs? A cow half burried in the ground?


A's: Ground beef, lean beef, and steak.

[daveshrop]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud banging on the door. The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, was asking for a push.

'Not a chance,' said the husband, 'it's 3:00 in the morning!' slamming the door and returning to bed.

'Who the h**l was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answered. 'Did you help him?' she asked. 'No, I did not, it's 3:00 in the morning and pouring down out there!'

'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!'

'Ok fair enough,'he got dressed, and went out into the pounding rain. He called out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?' 'Yes,' came back the answer.

'Do you still need a push?' called out the husband. 'Yes, please!' came the reply from the dark. 'Where are you?' asked the husband.

'Over here on the swing,' mate.

[sneidar]

Thank you for the posts and links.
That is funny topic.Got laughs reading it.

[vaha130]

I found this joke online and found it funny. But I don't think anyone I know does. Haha

Locking For A Dentist

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.Turning to the man next to him he said, 'I forgot my teeth.' The man said, 'No problem.' With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. 'Try these, ' he said.The speaker tried them. 'Too loose, ' he said. The man then said, 'I have another pair...try these.' The speaker tried them and responded, 'Too tight.' The man was not taken back at all. He then said, 'I have one more pair of false teeth...try them.'The speaker said, 'They fit perfectly.' With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. 'I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist.'The man replied, 'I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker.'

[mickyching]

Hi guys,

Sardar: I hav'nt slept all nite in the train.
Frnd: Y?
Sardar: Got upper berth.
Frnd: Y did'nt u Xchnged?
Sardar: oye, there was nobody 2 Xchng in the lower berth..

Sardar tells a girl "Come 2 my house at nite, nobody will b
there............. Girl goes at night & realy nobody was there

A SARDAR went 2 a BANK to open a S.B. A/C. After seeing the Form
He hed gone to DELHI for filling up. U know y?
FORM say " FILL UP IN CAPITAL ".


A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after Every 10 sec a
women gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.

Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running?


Sardar had twins; he named them Tin Martin.
Again had twins & named Peter & Repeater.
again twins & named Max & Climax.
Again d same. disgusted Sardar named them TIRED&RETIRED!


A sardharji photographer focusing a dead body's face in a funeral
function, suddenly all relatives beat him why?
. He said "SMILE PLEASE"


Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".


Srdr gets ready ,wears tie, coat ,goes out, climbs tree, sits on
the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this. Srdr:"I've been
promoted as branch manager."


Sardarji standing below a tube light with a open
mouth................. WHY?
because his doctor advised him "Todays dinner should be light"_-=

SARDAR & FAMILY GO 2 A PARTY. HE INTRODUCES HIMSELF - I SARDAR,SHE
SARDARNEE, THE BOY MY KID & THE GIRL MY KIDNEY....

One sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college.
U knw Why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking...

Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant: It"s
already raining. Sardar: So what take an umbrella and go.

Santa! Your daughter has died!
Depressed, Sardar jumps from 100th floor
At 50th floor he remembers I don't have a daughter!
At 25flr:I'm unmarried!
At 10flr:I'm Banta not santa

A Sardar & his wife filed an application 4 Divorce. Judge asked:
How'll U divide, U"VE 3 children? Sardar replied: Ok! We"ll
apply NEXT YEAR

Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing 2 my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.

A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening
not in the morning. Sardarji replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not
AM".

Sardar visits Chinese friend dying in hospital.
Man says CHIN YU YAN n dies.
Srdr goes2 china 2 find meaning of friends last words.
It is 'U R STANDNG ON D OXGN TUBE!"

[calieigh]

Customer: I have been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to inquiries, can you help?
Operator: Where did you get that number from, sir?
Customer: It was on the door to the Travel Center.
Operator: Sir, they are our opening hours.



Referee report: "This paper contains much that is new and much that is true. Unfortunately, that which is true is not new and that which is new is not true."



Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days.

They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses, and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not"changing his mind. So, . .

Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have bad news and more bad news. The first was . . . there "is" a God. The second was that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."

Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First . . . God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Second . . . you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 98.



Doctor implants a New Ear to a man.

Man: You idiot, you gave me a woman's ear

Doctor: It makes no difference

Man: It does,Now I hear everything

but understand nothing


Hope you have enjoyed it.