Page 1 of 6

A few random jokes

Posted: Sat Sep 29, 2007 3:40 am
by Noyb
Jim and Edna
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news, she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound-mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home???”

The Gladiator
The gladiator was having a rough day in the arena.

His opponent had sliced off both of his arms.

Nevertheless, he kept on fighting, kicking and biting as furiously as he could.

But, when his opponent lopped off both feet, our gladiator had no choice but to give up, for now he was both unarmed & defeated!!!
A Robbery
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has swindled ten million dollars from him.

This bookkeeper is deaf. It was considered an occupational benefit, and why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything he'd ever have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper, "Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars are hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, **** it, and says, "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the underling, "He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"

The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"

The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"

The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!”
Blonde Ambition
A blonde goes in an Appliance store and says to the clerk, "I would like to buy this television."

The clerk answers, "No, we don't sale stuff to blondes."

So the blonde walks out.

The next day she goes in the same thing happens…and this goes on for about 2 months.

Then the women decides that she wants that television very bad so she gets a black wig.

She then she goes in the Appliance store and says, "I want to buy this TV!"

The clerk answers, " No, we don't sale stuff to blondes and plus.....that isn't a T.V. It's a microwave!!!!”
Marriage Dying
Why do most men die before their wives?

Because they want to!!!!!

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Sat Sep 29, 2007 11:38 am
by daveshrop
Two blokes....on a river,

funeral cortege glides over the bridge near 'em....

Ted doffs his cap in respect & Arthur says.... nay,Ted

thats a helluva nice gesture from you there, matey.

Well,said Ted.....its the least i could do.....i was married to the old girl for 25 year!

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Sat Sep 29, 2007 5:52 pm
by Noyb
daveshrop wrote:Two blokes....on a river,

funeral cortege glides over the bridge near 'em....

Ted doffs his cap in respect & Arthur says.... nay,Ted

thats a helluva nice gesture from you there, matey.

Well,said Ted.....its the least i could do.....i was married to the old girl for 25 year!
LOL That's a good one. :lol:

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Sat Sep 29, 2007 7:49 pm
by Noyb
A man died and went straight to ****. :twisted: The devil gave him a choice between three rooms to spend the rest of eternity in. He escorted the man to the first room and opened the door. The man saw people being burned in 6-foot flames, and the heat was so intense that he couldn't stand it. He closed the door and said, "Well, I definitely don't want that room."
So the devil took the man to the second room, and opened the door. Inside, the man saw people being tortured. It was so gruesome, the man couldn't bear to watch. He closed the door and said, "I definitely don't want this room, either."
So the devil took the man to the third room, and opened the door. Inside, the man saw people just sitting around drinking coffee. The only thing was they were in about two feet of ****. The man said, "I think I'd like this room."
Then, after a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Okay, coffee break's over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!"

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Sun Sep 30, 2007 11:09 am
by daveshrop
Englishman,Irishman,Scotsman & Welshman in front of an Iraqi firing squad.
Whats your last request? he says.
Welshman says i'd like 1000 Welshmen singing Land of My Fathers.
Scotsman says i'd like 1000 bagpipes playing The Flower of Scotland.
Irishman says i'd like 1000 Irishmen doing the River Dance.
Whats your last request he says to the Englishman?
Damn well shoot me first.

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Sat Oct 06, 2007 4:50 am
by Noyb
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man was so curious that he respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Mon Oct 15, 2007 4:11 am
by Noyb
Praying Boy
A 6-year-old boy wants a new toy very badly and prays to God for the toy.

After a couple of weeks, he decides to write God a letter.

In the letter, the little boy writes, “Dear God, I want a new toy very badly, and I need $100 to buy it. Can you please send me the money?”

The boy addresses the envelope to God, USA.

Upon receipt of the little boy’s letter, the post office worker is unsure what to do with the letter and decides to send it to the President of the United States.

The President opens the little boy’s letter and is quite amused. He instructs his secretary to send the little boy $5 dollars, thinking that this would seem like a lot of money to a 6-year-old.

Upon receiving the $5, the little boy decides to write a thank you note to God.

In the letter, he writes, “Dear God, Thank you very much for the money you sent me. However, I noticed for some reason, you routed the letter through Washington D.C., and as usual, those jerks deducted $95 in taxes. For future reference, please send all letters directly to me. Thank You.”

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 3:19 am
by Noyb
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the first man replies.

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Wed Nov 07, 2007 5:06 am
by Noyb
Old Couple
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

His wife asks, "Where are you going?"

"To the kitchen," he replies.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure," he says.

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."

He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he grumbles into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "Where's my toast?”

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 4:37 am
by Noyb
House Cleaning
Mr. Smith goes to see his supervisor. "Boss," he says, "We're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss says. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith. "I knew I could count on you!"

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 4:19 am
by Noyb
The Four Stages of Life
There are four stages in life:
1. You believe in Santa Clause
2. You don't believe in Santa Clause
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Clause

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 5:59 am
by Noyb
The Store
A store that sells husbands has just opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

There are only 6 floors. It states that the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose any man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor.

This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit the building - and have a nice day!

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2007 2:29 am
by Noyb
The Next Generation

Who's On First for the Next Generation!

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone!

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2007 7:48 pm
by statm1
Thats just wrong.. ](*,) :lol:

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 11:54 pm
by Noyb
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: $90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 7:05 pm
by Noyb
The Raffle
One day when Bubba and Billy Bob were at Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They each bought five tickets at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won 1st place - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.

Bubba won 6th prize - a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"

Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper."

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 1:29 am
by Noyb
The Mailbox
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is there something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

"My stupid computer keeps saying, 'You've got mail.'"

Blonde Flight
A blonde was going to be flying to Los Angeles and when she boarded the plane sat in a first class seat.
As the flight attendant checked her ticket she told the blonde she would have to move because her ticket was for coach not first class.

The blonde responded saying "I am blonde and beautiful and I am flying in first class."

The attendant went and got her supervisor who told the blonde she had to move.

The blonde responded with "I am blonde and beautiful and I am flying in first class."

The supervisor went to get the captain who told the blonde she had to move.

The blonde told the captain "I am blonde and beautiful and I am flying in first class."

The captain leaned over and whispered something in the blondes ear.

She got up , picked up all her things and move to the back of the plane.

The attendants asked the captain what he had said to make her move.

He said "I told her first class wasn’t going to Los Angeles."

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 3:15 am
by sword
let me see!

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 5:00 am
by MysteryFCM
See what?

@noyb ........ nice one dude! :lol::lol:

Re: A few random jokes

Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 5:04 am
by Noyb
Hehe...thanks! :D