A few random jokes

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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Thu Feb 07, 2008 4:38 am

THE DOG'S DIARY:
> >
> >
> > 7 am- Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
> >
> >
> > 8 am- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
> >
> >
> > 9 am- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
> >
> >
> > Noon- Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!
> >
> >
> > 2 pm- Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!
> >
> >
> > 3 pm- Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
> >
> >
> > 4 pm- Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
> >
> >
> > 6 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Mom! My favorite!
> >
> >
> > 7 pm- Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!
> >
> >
> > 8 pm- Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
> >
> >
> > 9 pm- Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!
> >
> >
> > 11 pm- Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!



> > THE CAT'S DIARY:

> > Day 183 of my captivity...

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.
The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from clawing the furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Maybe I should try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair - must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little kitty cat I was. This is not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More important, I overheard that my
confinement was due to my powers of inducing something called"allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant He speaks with them regularly, and I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.. But I can wait.

It's only a matter of time.
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by statm1 » Thu Feb 07, 2008 10:51 pm

Well then you have to worry about the glare from the bright copier light..lol
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Fri Feb 08, 2008 6:34 pm

Another Trooper Joke
A state trooper making a routine traffic stop puts his lights on and found the driver he was going to pull over speeds away.
He chases the car for a few miles and when they came to a stop the trooper gets out to talk to the driver of the car.

The trooper looks in the window and sees an elderly man.

The trooper says, "Sir, I am about to get off duty and I don’t want to spend much time with this, so if you can give me an excuse for your speeding that I have never heard I will let you go."

With that the man in the car looks at the trooper and says, "Officer, 20 years ago my wife ran off with a state trooper. Well I thought you were that trooper trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice day, sir," the trooper says.
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Sat Feb 09, 2008 11:19 pm

An Odd Joke
A man and a woman come rushing into the emergency room. The woman is pregnant and in labor. After 15 hours of painful labor finally out comes a baby boy. The new mother looks to the doctor and says "I would like to name him Odd." The doctor snickers at the name and goes into the hall and tells the nurses. All the nurses laugh at the name aswell.
Throughout the boys childhood, Odd gets made fun of, beat up and left out. It wasn't until Odd turned 50 years old that he had finally had enough.

He turns to his wife and says "I am sick and tired of everyone making fun of me. When I die I do not want my name on the tomb stone. I want the day I was born and the day I died and that's it."

10 years later the man died and true to his wishes his wife puts on the tombstone the day he was born and the day he died and that's it.

But still to this day, people walk past his grave and read the tombstone. They always ask one another "Isn't that odd?"
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Mon Feb 11, 2008 5:38 am

Chain Gang
A guy died and was standing in front of an angel.
The angel said "Have you ever done any good deeds?"

The guy responded "Yeah, once there was a motorcycle gang harassing an old lady and I jumped in front of them and told them to stop."

The angel said "That's great, when was this?"

The man said "Oh, it was probably two or three minutes ago."
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Mon Feb 11, 2008 5:39 am

Brains and Beauty
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Tue Feb 12, 2008 5:35 pm

Where do one-legged women work?

IHOP :|
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by addonsfan » Wed Feb 13, 2008 8:37 am

noyb.... you are sooooo ****ed up to some people.... me too. :)

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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Wed Feb 13, 2008 4:29 pm

Uhhh...anyway, here's another joke.

Funeral Costs
Theres this old man, who is very stingy on how he spends money and treats his wife like a slave...never buying her anything or taking her anywhere.
One day on the dying man's deathbed he says to his wife "Just so you know, I had it written in my will I'm taking all my money with me."

The wife says "You can't do that!!"

The man replies "Oh, yes I can. It's in my will, all signed and legal. Tell me when I die you'll put my money in with me."

The wife hesitates but soon agrees.

Later the man dies and at the funeral the wife leans into the casket where her now deceased husband lies, says something to him then with a tear in her eye walks away.

The wife's best friend grabs her as she walks by and says "please tell me you didn't give that man his money after he treated you so poorly?"

The wife says, "Well, I wasn't going to at first but then I thought, no I'm a Christian woman and I gave my word so I'm going to abide by it".

The best friend raises her eyebrows in disgust saying "I cant believe you".

The wife says "Oh, don't worry girlfriend, I gave him a check, if he can cash it, he can have it."
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Thu Feb 14, 2008 8:36 pm

Drinking Buddy
A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia and the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then light dawns in her eyes, and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains. "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church, and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters though."
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Fri Feb 15, 2008 9:59 pm

This one wasn't thought out very well IMO, but...oh well.
A Blonde and a Trucker
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truc k, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Wisconsin and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Sat Feb 16, 2008 5:33 pm

Croaker
A little girl sat on grandmas lap and asked, "Grandma, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"No, my little angel. Why do you ask?"

"Mommy and Daddy said as soon as you croak we can go to Disneyland."
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by addonsfan » Sun Feb 17, 2008 9:09 am

LOL! :lol:
that one's jacked up. :lol:

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Re: A few random jokes

Post by daveshrop » Mon Feb 18, 2008 8:13 am

That is a good one!Image

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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Mon Feb 18, 2008 10:14 pm

Kidnapping
A blonde in financial trouble decided to raise money by kidnapping a child.
She went to a park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree, and wrote this note: "I kidnapped your child. I'm sorry, but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the statue in the park by 7 a.m.. Signed, A Blonde."

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home.

The next morning, she returned to the park, and found a brown bag behind the statue with $10,000 in it.

Inside the bag, beside the cash, was another note: "Here's your money. I can't believe that one blonde would do this to another!"

A Giant Problem
A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and Muhammad Ali too.
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist-probably better than Houdini."

The giant nodded.

"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"

Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.

"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."

"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Tue Feb 19, 2008 11:31 pm

The In-Laws
A woman had three daughters, who all got married. One day she decided to test her son-in laws. She invites the first one for a stroll by the lakeside, purposely she falls in and pretends to be drowning. Without any hesitation, the son-in law jumps in and saves her.
The next morning he finds a brand new Toyota Prius in his driveway with a message in his windshield..."Thank you!" -Your Mother-In-Law who loves you.

A few days later, the lady does the same thing with the second son-in law. He jumps in and saves her also. She offers him a new Toyota Prius with the same message on the windshield.

A few days later, she does the same thing to the third son-in law. While she is drowning, the son-in law looks at her without moving and inch and thinks: "Finally! Its about time this old witch dies!"

The next morning, he a receives abrand new Porcha with a message "Thank You!" -Your father in law
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by statm1 » Wed Feb 20, 2008 9:28 pm

Maybe Im missing something here but its not really clear or setup right one of the two, why the 3rd son-in-law he thinks shes a witch? I can understand the father-in-law. I guess im just missing something.
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Wed Feb 20, 2008 9:46 pm

I think the third son-in-law just feels the way the father-in-law does: that she's a pain in the @r$e.
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Sun Feb 24, 2008 6:09 am

I know, it's quite a bit late, but...
End of the Year Thank You


THANKS FOR ALL YOUR E-MAILS THIS YEAR!

As the holidays approach, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of
You who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the
past
12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and
wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat **** in the glue on
envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to
seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because
Of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
Pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
Water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
Number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible
Mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I
Now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul because at last count I have 363,214
angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about
to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Bill Gates is sending me for
participating in his special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will us your head
for target practice at 5:00 PM (EST) this afternoon.
(I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my
next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's who is a
beautician, or was that a person in training down at the
kennel?...huhhhemmm!.)



Merry Christmas.....Happy New Year

now I have to figure out if wishing my e-mail friends a
MERRY CHRISTMAS is Politically correct?

Ah s***w it! MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL ~ YES
EVEN IF YOUR JEWISH!
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Mon Feb 25, 2008 7:10 pm

Kool-Aid
Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
They can't get eight cups of water into that little packet.

Puzzled
Why was the blonde excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in six months?
Because the box said 4 to 6 years.
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