A few random jokes

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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Thu Jan 31, 2008 10:07 pm

The Wal-Mart Cat
A blonde was weed-wacking her yard and accidentally cut off the tail of her cat which was hiding in the grass.
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over To Wal-Mart!

Why Wal-Mart???

Wal-Mart is the largest retailer in the world!!!
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by statm1 » Fri Feb 01, 2008 2:39 pm

Good one Noyb..lol
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Fri Feb 01, 2008 8:04 pm

Thanks! :D

Last Wish
The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him.
But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought and repleid, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like is for you to sing my favorite song! One whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started with, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Sat Feb 02, 2008 1:43 am

Also stolen from vtel's Cabin in the Woods :wink: :

Tech Help
Customer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but
it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong?
Tech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah.... Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?
Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the
CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen.....
Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "Start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates . .
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says
'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the
monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me in the
supermarket.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there
another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: Your password is the small letter a, as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I can't get on the internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: What antivirus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an antivirus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screensaver
on my computer, but every time I move the mouse,
it disappears.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I
get the circle around it?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a printer problem.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under
a window, and his printer is working fine."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And last but not least:
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at
the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle
of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the
Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by statm1 » Sat Feb 02, 2008 4:02 am

There should be a techsupport day to honor all that they have to put up with......
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Sat Feb 02, 2008 4:13 am

statm1 wrote:There should be a techsupport day to honor all that they have to put up with......
Well, if it wasn't for all those non-computer savvy people out there, we wouldn't have these jokes. :lol:

And yet another one stolen from the Cabin in the Woods:
Four Brothers
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered.

Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theatre built in the house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes. She wrote:

Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks"

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.

The chicken was delicious.

Thank You."
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by addonsfan » Sat Feb 02, 2008 6:35 am

Customer: I can't get on the internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
LMAO!

this reminds me when I was about 4, we had this old DOS computer, and is said to press "F1", and I kept pressing "F + 1". :lol:
that was probably the first thing I learned about computers... unfortunately, when I finally figured out the F1 thing and got into the BIOs, and managed to set a password and locked myself out of the BIOs, and that was the only thing I really knew how to get into with DOS.
half a year later I decided to dissect the computer, and took the little battery out... :P
I remember is like it was yesterday. =P~

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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Sat Feb 02, 2008 7:02 am

One time (about 8 or 9 years ago) I stuck a magnet up to our old computer monitor and held it there because I liked the "pretty colors" it made on the screen. Needless to say, the monitor broke soon after that. :P
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by addonsfan » Sat Feb 02, 2008 7:47 am

hahaha...

here's one:

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.

Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet
Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?!"

God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

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Re: A few random jokes

Post by addonsfan » Sat Feb 02, 2008 7:55 am

this had me laughing for a good 5 min when I found it:

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...

Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...

Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...

Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...

Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...

Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...

Customer: I knew it!

Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...

Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...

Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...

Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...

Customer: I need a new power supply...

Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?

Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...

Technician: What did he tell you?

Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...

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Re: A few random jokes

Post by daveshrop » Sat Feb 02, 2008 5:58 pm

'Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.

The assistant looked at him and asked: 'Are you Irish?'

'If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?' demanded the Irishman indignantly.

'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?'

Then, warming to his theme, he went on: 'Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?'

'Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? ! Would Ya? Would Ya?'

The assistant said: 'Well, no.'

Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear. 'And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?'
'What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?'

'Well no, I probably wouldn't' conceded the assistant.

So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: 'Well, all right then, Why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?'

The assistant replied:



'Because you're in Homebase' .....!

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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Sat Feb 02, 2008 6:01 pm

LOL at all three of those! :lol:

The Genie
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly she got hosed in her divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up on the shore.
She rubs the lamp and out pops a magical genie. The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him.

As a consolation the genie informs her that he will give her three wishes. But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give her ex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.

The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish.

The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting on a pile on one billion one-dollar bills.

The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.

The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.

The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but then genie then reminds her again that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points out at the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.

Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish.

Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the women informs the genie that she wants to make her last wish. But, before she can do this, the genie warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.

“No problem,” said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy.

“For my last wish, I’d like to give birth to twins.”
Last edited by Noyb on Sat Feb 02, 2008 6:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Mon Feb 04, 2008 11:00 pm

Blonde Bowlers
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by statm1 » Tue Feb 05, 2008 7:24 pm

GRANDMA IN COURT

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand motherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?'

She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs . You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair.'
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Tue Feb 05, 2008 8:05 pm

LOL :lol:
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Re: A few random jokes

Post by addonsfan » Tue Feb 05, 2008 8:28 pm

Noyb wrote:LOL :lol:
indeed :lol:

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Re: A few random jokes

Post by statm1 » Tue Feb 05, 2008 8:36 pm

It cracked me up as well!!
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How a Blonde Prints..

Post by statm1 » Wed Feb 06, 2008 9:46 pm

How a Blonde Prints..

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Re: A few random jokes

Post by Noyb » Wed Feb 06, 2008 10:17 pm

LOL :lol:

Big Thinkers
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep.
A few hours later Holmes woke up, nudged his faithful aide and said, "Watson, I want you to look up and tell me what you see." Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars." Sherlock said, "And what does that tell you?"

After a minute or so of pondering Watson said, "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three in the morning.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Metereologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day today. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for about 30 seconds and said, "Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!"
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Re: How a Blonde Prints..

Post by bigC » Wed Feb 06, 2008 10:54 pm

^ haha
statm1 wrote:How a Blonde Prints..

Image
Hey, it might work. LOL

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